The oblivious observer

I pretend to be oblivious. Frequently. And when I say frequently, I mean literally all the time.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this...

My friend once told me I'm the dumbest smart person she's ever met. (Which was fine, because I once told her she had sausage toes. With friends like these...) There was a lot of truth to what she said. I have a tendency to miss common sense things. For instance, I thought for years (and years, and years) that St. Ives lotion was actually "Stives" lotion. It was like an epiphany when I realized otherwise.

And you should have heard the mockery in the newsroom when I referred to Kanye West as "Cain West." Apparently not knowing how to say his name was a big deal, but I still don't understand why. Has he ever done anything important...ever? Why should I waste the brain space needed to properly pronounce his name?

Sometimes my natural dumb moments cause me to sound and act like a beast, but I really don't mean to. It happened at Walmart a couple of weeks ago.

What I heard as I was leaving the store:

Random man: "You ready?"

Me: "Yep."

What actually happened as I was leaving the store:

Random man: "You're pretty."

Me: "Yep."

I felt bad about that for quite a while.

But most of the time — when I'm not engaged in being a dork — I spend my time being invisible and observant. Much like Mia in the first half of "The Princess Diaries," I'm so good at disappearing into the background that I have literally been sat on. (By Ron Paul, even, but that's another story.)

Being invisible does have its benefits. I get to spend a lot of my time observing rather than engaging, and you learn a lot about people this way. I've got very solid opinions on which people in Congress are lazy, entitled jerks — and which ones are nice, hard workers — based on observing their actions when I worked in D.C. 

Giant jerk

Very nice guy

Observing means that I usually know heaps of office gossip, and I always know what's going on in every conversation around me. I can jump from conversation to conversation without even thinking about it. I may be talking to some and then mid-sentence I'll answer a question from another conversation taking place four cubicles over. It's quite unnerving for the people I'm originally talking to. Bwa-ha-ha-ha...

But even though I love observing and I do it all the time, sometimes I act oblivious on purpose. It drives my mom CRAZY. 

The root of my obliviousness comes down to time. I guard my time very closely. Time is money, after all, and since I'm not very good at guarding my money, I have to guard something. I'm either selfish with or jealous of time, and I don't like to waste it. I get annoyed if people in front of me drive too slowly, or if I have to sit in a worthless meeting, or if people discuss philosophy and refuse to actually accomplish something useful. 

So when I run into people who I know — know without a doubt — will waste my time, I often pretend I don't see them. If I don't feel like bothering with worthless small talk, I won't. If a boy is blatantly trying to get my attention and I'm not in the mood, I pretend I don't notice.

Tell me I'm not alone! Other people MUST do this too!

When the guy who got on the elevator after me today remarked to his friend that I smelled nice, I pretended to be oblivious, but I totally noticed. (It's that overpowering scent of Dove shampoo — it smells weird, but it sure does lovely things to my hair.) When another guy on a second elevator trip today attempted to catch my eye, I noticed it too. (But a one-floor elevator jaunt is not enough to build a lasting flirtation on, thanks.)

Now, admitting that I sometimes purposely ignore people doesn't mean that it's always on purpose. Don't get offended if I've done it to you! My aversion to wearing my contacts or glasses means that I pass a lot of people without even noticing. When I walk anywhere I keep my eye on the goal — classroom, parking lot, building, etc. — and I ignore everything else. I zoomed past many a friend during college because of that. Sorry, folks... I probably didn't mean it!

(Or did I? Hmmm...)

Maybe I should come with a warning label: If I'm not talking (or even if I am) I'm listening, observing, gathering, and noticing. If you think I'm oblivious, I'm probably not. Unless I am. Because sometimes I am. But not always... 

How's that for confusing? Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Jackie according to the Internet

When I was working as a journalist in D.C., I got to meet one of the guys who invented the Internet.

Al Gore

No, not THAT guy. (Political humor, har-dee-har-har.) I met one of the guys who ACTUALLY invented the Internet. It was pretty cool.

Anyway, so I've been thinking about the Internet and how it has changed our lives forever. That may lead you to believe that I'll be going on a serious, philosophical tangent with this blog post...

NOT! Hahahaha!

Setting aside all the practical uses of the Internet, this post is about one specific Internet phenomenon: personality quizzes. Don't pretend you've never taken them...

How did we ever know who we really were before the Internet was invented to tell us?!

So here it is — many silly quizzes and videos later — Jackie according to the Internet.

How many of these quizzes and their accompanying descriptions are accurate in any way?

You may never know...

 What Disney princess are you?

In all the times I've been suckered into taking one of these quizzes, I've always been Belle. (You know — loner, nerdy, bookworm, etc.) Not this time, however. The official Disney quiz has declared that I am ... Cinderella!

Remember this pose, Shannen? What are the odds?!

Supposedly I share many admirable qualities with the beautiful Cinderella; clever, loyal, and hard-working. "Kindness is your number one priority even when others aren't so nice or situations test your good nature ... You and Cinderella are sweet, determined, hopeful, and never question that someday your dreams will come true — and no one deserves it more!"

Of course, the fact that I supposedly share all these virtues with Cinderella makes it all the more amusing that my purported evil Disney alter ego is... Lady Tremaine!

I see the resemblance...

The quiz didn't actually tell me why, but it did say that I help kids learn to love their birth parents as a way to avoid stepparents. I guess that's good? Would that make me an evil hero?

Anyway...

Since my current obsession is Robin Hood (Errol Flynn, etc. Although, the one with Papyrus in the opening credits? I turned that one off....) I figured I'd better take a quiz based on the BBC series. And it said I am ... Will Scarlett!

"The gang's chief engineer whose brilliant designs are key to many a Robin Hood plan. You are a hard worker, quiet and shy, and often the voice of reason. You are committed and hopeful, and you desperately want to put the world back together as it was."

Since I'm a longtime Will Scarlett fan, that's totally cool with me. Besides, who wouldn't want to be compared to someone with those eyebrows?

Continuing on the Robin Hood vein, to truly discover Jackie we should look to other literature quizzes...

My quiz tells me I'm a born leader and a good fighter. Who knew?! It also said "you are the one usually put in charge of things and you aren't afraid to do it."

I guess if you want to talk about people who aren't afraid to be independent, the quintessential classical character would be a certain lady who is well known to all Jane Austen fans...

The quiz describes Elizabeth Bennet as representative of "what most women would like to become: strong, independent, and loyal." Of course, the quiz won't let those compliments go to my head, as it points out that I also have a "stubborn will of iron and a clinging to first impressions."

Hmmm...

Now, not that I've taken many a sorting quiz in my 24 years on Earth, but needless to say, the results this time around were surprising. Could it be that I've changed from being a persistent Ravenclaw to... dare I say it... Hufflepuff?!

Sure, being "loyal, dependable, and hardworking" are good things, but seriously... Hufflepuff? Ah well, it's nice to know at least one Harry Potter thing will never change...

Being "book smart, moral, and cool under pressure" is great, but my favorite part of this description was when it said, "You're way more mature than those around you, and you always seem to know what's best."

That's right. Listen to my genius.

Of course, that sentence right there also feeds into the fact that I'm apparently the first Doctor — "grumpy, proud, but really just an old softy."

And because I'm like the first Doctor, it seems "intelligence is no barrier" to me. 

(Or, as the quiz itself says, "inteliegence is no barrier." Ah, the Internet...)

In the Star Wars-verse I'm supposedly R2-D2. Why? Because apparently what I lack in height and communication skills, I make up for in industriousness, technical know-how and being there when others need me most.

Curse this all-knowing Internet! Making fun of my lack of height...

Now, how the Internet could tell me that I'm Princess Peach from "Mario" and Mal Reynolds from "Firefly" is a little baffling, but whatevs. Naturally the clash of being a "beautiful princess with not a bad bone in your body" and the "my way or the highway" shoot-first-ask-later Mal are smoothed over somehow. Internet tests couldn't possibly be wrong...

In terms of things that I can't change, apparently being born in October means that I'm a clairvoyant nature lover, a born leader, amiable (eh?!), more emotional than practical (no, seriously, eh?!), totally independent, clever, dedicated, and hard working. Having blue eyes means I'm very attractive, adorable, and I love to make new friends.

(Okay, I'm starting to think the Internet doesn't know me at all...)

In the only scientific-ish test I took, it appears my real age is not 24, but is rather 8. The test isn't saying that I'm immature — it's saying that I'm healthy. So if I started exercising, do you think I could get the number below zero? Could my so-called "virtual age" actually be dead? Hmmm...

If the Internet hasn't given you a clear picture of who I really am, I'll also bow to the comparison skills of my long-time college roommate Shannen. Throughout our college experience she compared to me numerous people from TV shows. For some reason they were often large black men, but maybe I just give off that vibe...

Jackie according to Shannen:

Emerson Cod from "Pushing Daisies"

Stanley from "The Office"

House from (naturally) "House"

And last (but never least) Kat Warbler from "The Class"

I've also gotten some Sue Sylvester from "Glee" comparisons, but who knows why...

To sum it up: Jackie according to the Internet is kind, sweet, determined, hopeful, evil, quiet, shy, the voice of reason, a born leader, a good fighter, strong, independent, loyal, stubborn, book smart, moral, mature, grumpy, proud, "inteliegent," short, industrious, good natured, eight, clairvoyant, amiable, emotional, clever, adorable, and friendly, with touches of Emerson, Stanley, House, Kat, and Sue.

 The one unifying factor in Internet personality quizzes is that they somehow end up making us feel complimented. That's probably why we take them — they make us feel good about ourselves. But do they really tell us who we are?

Probably not.

So, in a world of Internet quizzes, pop culture, and TV comparisons, my own description of what I'm really like — according to me, and no one else — can be summed up in one word:

Joel.

An emotional void, dry, and long-suffering...

Which, Shannen, makes you either Tom Servo or Crow...