Trouble with a capital "T"

I've got a mad passion for the theater. I don't mean movie theaters - I mean the kind where you dress up and sit in an audience to enjoy a live production put on by people with the type of talents you can only dream of. That's real theater.

Last night I saw "White Christmas" at Pioneer Theater. The movie is, of course, a classic. Rosemary Clooney, Vera-Ellen, Bing Crosby, and Danny Kaye? How can you go wrong?! 

The play was great too, but unfortunately, I knew within seconds of the opening number that I had chosen the wrong seat. One row back and three seats to my right sat trouble. Trouble with a capital "T." Yes...that's right...

The dreaded Talker.

The fastest way to annoy me - even if we've just met - is to talk while I'm watching a movie, TV, or a theater performance. Don't do it. We'll both be better off. In this situation, I wasn't close enough to actually hear what the talker was saying throughout the performance, but I could still hear the prolonged muttering.

To experience this for yourself, imagine mixing the iconic sounds of Crosby's "White Christmas" with the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher.

In fact, you don't have to imagine. Just push "play" at the same time:

See? Horrifying.

That's what you subject other people to when you talk in the theater.

*****

I also recently saw "Tangled" with two of my brothers. My brother's friend came along and he's a talker, which means the experience began much like my "White Christmas" trauma. Unfortunately, this time I was close enough to hear what he was saying.

"Wow, she's got a lot of hair..."

That could be because "Tangled" is the story of "Rapunzel," which is the story of a girl who ... has a lot of hair...

"Look, they keep drawing his nose weird."

Why, yes, they do. It's a visual example of something called a "running gag."

"Haha! The horse keeps acting like it's a dog. That's why it's funny."

It was a good thing the talking friend was there. Otherwise we might not have understood why we were laughing...

Luckily, within a few minutes the friend got so interested in the movie that he stopped narrating. Whew.

*****

The only way for me to effectively deal with the irritation of talkers is to mentally mock them - to laugh at their inclination to point out the obvious, and to scorn their not-so-witty remarks.

Odds are, if you've said something ridiculous enough to make me laugh at you, I'll remember it.

Man in the D.C. museum who told his wife that the British were called the "Redcoats" and the Americans were called the "Bluecoats" ... I remember you.

Kid who stood in front of the flag from the Battle of Fort McHenry and dared to say, "Why does the national anthem have a question mark? Is that a typo?" I remember you too...

"Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?"