The oblivious observer

I pretend to be oblivious. Frequently. And when I say frequently, I mean literally all the time.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this...

My friend once told me I'm the dumbest smart person she's ever met. (Which was fine, because I once told her she had sausage toes. With friends like these...) There was a lot of truth to what she said. I have a tendency to miss common sense things. For instance, I thought for years (and years, and years) that St. Ives lotion was actually "Stives" lotion. It was like an epiphany when I realized otherwise.

And you should have heard the mockery in the newsroom when I referred to Kanye West as "Cain West." Apparently not knowing how to say his name was a big deal, but I still don't understand why. Has he ever done anything important...ever? Why should I waste the brain space needed to properly pronounce his name?

Sometimes my natural dumb moments cause me to sound and act like a beast, but I really don't mean to. It happened at Walmart a couple of weeks ago.

What I heard as I was leaving the store:

Random man: "You ready?"

Me: "Yep."

What actually happened as I was leaving the store:

Random man: "You're pretty."

Me: "Yep."

I felt bad about that for quite a while.

But most of the time — when I'm not engaged in being a dork — I spend my time being invisible and observant. Much like Mia in the first half of "The Princess Diaries," I'm so good at disappearing into the background that I have literally been sat on. (By Ron Paul, even, but that's another story.)

Being invisible does have its benefits. I get to spend a lot of my time observing rather than engaging, and you learn a lot about people this way. I've got very solid opinions on which people in Congress are lazy, entitled jerks — and which ones are nice, hard workers — based on observing their actions when I worked in D.C. 

Giant jerk

Very nice guy

Observing means that I usually know heaps of office gossip, and I always know what's going on in every conversation around me. I can jump from conversation to conversation without even thinking about it. I may be talking to some and then mid-sentence I'll answer a question from another conversation taking place four cubicles over. It's quite unnerving for the people I'm originally talking to. Bwa-ha-ha-ha...

But even though I love observing and I do it all the time, sometimes I act oblivious on purpose. It drives my mom CRAZY. 

The root of my obliviousness comes down to time. I guard my time very closely. Time is money, after all, and since I'm not very good at guarding my money, I have to guard something. I'm either selfish with or jealous of time, and I don't like to waste it. I get annoyed if people in front of me drive too slowly, or if I have to sit in a worthless meeting, or if people discuss philosophy and refuse to actually accomplish something useful. 

So when I run into people who I know — know without a doubt — will waste my time, I often pretend I don't see them. If I don't feel like bothering with worthless small talk, I won't. If a boy is blatantly trying to get my attention and I'm not in the mood, I pretend I don't notice.

Tell me I'm not alone! Other people MUST do this too!

When the guy who got on the elevator after me today remarked to his friend that I smelled nice, I pretended to be oblivious, but I totally noticed. (It's that overpowering scent of Dove shampoo — it smells weird, but it sure does lovely things to my hair.) When another guy on a second elevator trip today attempted to catch my eye, I noticed it too. (But a one-floor elevator jaunt is not enough to build a lasting flirtation on, thanks.)

Now, admitting that I sometimes purposely ignore people doesn't mean that it's always on purpose. Don't get offended if I've done it to you! My aversion to wearing my contacts or glasses means that I pass a lot of people without even noticing. When I walk anywhere I keep my eye on the goal — classroom, parking lot, building, etc. — and I ignore everything else. I zoomed past many a friend during college because of that. Sorry, folks... I probably didn't mean it!

(Or did I? Hmmm...)

Maybe I should come with a warning label: If I'm not talking (or even if I am) I'm listening, observing, gathering, and noticing. If you think I'm oblivious, I'm probably not. Unless I am. Because sometimes I am. But not always... 

How's that for confusing? Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!