An additional and unrelated note on kitsch

I've been reading a lot of rubbish, kitschy period romance novels recently. Why? Because I got them for free and I feel like I should read them before I throw them in the trash.

(Well, technically the recycling bin...)

Anyhow.

I've come up with three pieces of advice, should you ever feel like becoming an author and delving into the ridiculously stupid and absurd world of heaving bosoms and ripped bodices:

1. Always send your characters to the ton.  

Despite being an Austen/Gaskell/Bronte fan and having seen almost every period piece film ever made, I had never heard this term before. Apparently it's pronounced "tone" and is used to refer to Britain's upper class during the Regency/Georgian era. At least, that's what Wikipedia says...

Either way, your characters must spend time talking about the ton and attending parties with the ton — and you'd better always italicize it, like a good little Chicago Manual of Style user.

2. Always, always, always make your characters idiotic. 

They should never behave like people at the time really did. (Although, let's face it, books where the characters are true to the time period can be MAJORLY boring... a la Fanny of "Mansfield Park"... Poor Fanny was the most dreary character ever written until Bella Swan came around...)

They should always be beautiful and exotic looking. (How can a girl with blonde hair and blue eyes look exotic? A real romance author can make it happen!) The main male character should act like a fop and be a complete skeeze while the woman is always innocent and pure. ALWAYS. And they should never have a conversation before falling in love. Instead, they should proclaim their love and pine away before finding out anything — anything — about the other person.

And finally... (This is my favorite, by far.)

3. Make sure your impossibly perfect main character has a loyal older servant with a 100% improbable name. 

I'm not making this up — the last two books I read had loyal older servants with the names "Crookshank" and "Wigglesworth." Because those are the sort of last names you encounter on a daily basis, right? Britain is just chock-full of Crookshanks and Wigglesworths.

There you go: three easy steps to getting a vulgar period piece romance novel published.

Or you could just write any old book and make your characters vampires. That also seems to work...